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Monday, April 2, 2012

Knock It Off, Spike Lee

I often look toward Hollywood and wonder how certain people are allowed to continue working. It has nothing to do with the quality of your films. I refuse to see any of them. I'm sure you'll call me a racist for that, because that's what you do, but your race has (shocking!) nothing to do with it. I refuse to support the career of someone who is such an obnoxious dickbag. You have crossed that line one too many times, and now it's time to put a stop to you.

Let's put aside the time you tried to sue the Spike channel for stealing your name. That's just stupid. If Warner Bros. was smart, they'd sue you for stealing the name of their cartoon dog. You don't own your name, asshole. They called it Spike, not Spike Lee. It's an innocuous old-timey tough guy name that they used for a guys' channel. It's irony that your name is one that's usually attributed to tough guys, considering the fact that you whine more than a baby with a booboo.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Knock It Off, Tweakers

You are loud, crass and obviously dumb. You look like you haven't showered in months. There are two of you in that apartment, and I don't like either of you. I don't care how cordial you are to me. I refuse to like you. Why? Because you're fuck-ups of the worst kind. I'm all for making drugs legal. That's not my issue. It's your body, and if you're stupid enough to fill it with chemicals, that's your business. That doesn't mean I have to talk to you. In fact, I'm done talking to you. I'm now ready to explain you to the readers.

He reminds me of that guy in the Adam Sandler movie who can't remember that he introduced himself to you. Every time is see this guy, whether it's in the laundry room or by the parking area, he can't seem to remember that he met me. He insists over and over that we never met, and then he holds his hand up in that stupid downward swooping overhanded handshake that I only ever see coming from an idiot. He tried to help another neighbor with his car by telling him that aluminum foil was a great way to wrap a splice. This fucktard has children. Of course he does. You already expected that.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Knock It Off, Oscars

Every year, Hollywood jerks itself off. From the expensive clothing to the ridiculous red carpet walks, it's a huge dick yanking to self. Here's the deal, Oscar, you don't win at art. It's not a competition. Art is meant to entertain. It's not a sport. It's there for interpretation. You can't decide who was most arty. That's just stupid.

Most of what hits theaters is shit these days. In the last year, I've only been compelled to see one movie in theaters. I find so much more on the independent front. By independent, I don't mean it's made by some celebrity that used twenty million dollars out of his own pocket. I mean real independent movies made for little money by true outsiders. Movies you refuse to acknowledge

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Knock It Off, Disney and Marvel Comics

Back in August, I got to meet a comic book creator who is very special to me. His name is Gary Friedrich, and he created the only comic book I ever really read. He's the man responsible for Ghost Rider. I interviewed him for Cinema Head Cheese, and thanks to a giant t-shirt booth, the audio is no good. I will say, however, that he was a very pleasant guy who took pride in his creation. HIS creation. That's something that you, Marvel Comics, and your new owner, Disney, seem to have forgotten.

A few years ago, Friedrich sued you over copyrights for Ghost Rider. Apparently, he wasn't given his share from the movie. You argued the issue, but you really have no place to do so. See, when you originally printed the character in an anthology called Marvel Spotlight #5, you credited Friedrich as the creator of Ghost Rider, and you never copyrighted the character. Therefore, Friedrich has always and still does retain the copyright. Unfortunately, you and a judge that I can only assume is in your corporate pocket seem to disagree.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Knock It Off, Rodney Harrison

I understand that it's tough to watch your former team lose the Super Bowl. I'm sure it's especially rough when they lose to the Giants for the second time, especially since you were on the team the first time. What you shouldn't do is shit on the way another player deals with that loss. You criticized Rob Gronkowski for dancing at a club after his team's Super Bowl loss, and you really have no place. You weren't half the player he is.

I know you were good at what you did, but this is a guy that's coming off of two NFL records in his sophomore year in the league. Do you know what award you won twice? Dirtiest player in the league. You were highly regarded as a scumbag, and now you only extend that legacy of douchebaggery. You are a dick, and you should shut your stupid mouth. I'll bet you don't know why, but I'll happily tell you.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Knock It Off, David Cross

This one pains me. It really does. I love comedy, and I'm a fan of yours. I like your stand-up. I own your albums. I like Arrested Development, The Incredibly Long Show Title That Ends in Todd Margaret and Mr. Show. Run, Ronnie, Run is under-appreciated. I think you have a great comedic voice that needs to be heard. That being said, your recent complaints about working on the latest Chipmunks movie make you look like a ridiculous fool.

I heard it on a podcast, then on another, and then on a talk show. You began to tell the tale of how you were made to work in a scene on a cruise ship, and you wore a mascot suit for your scenes. You talked about it as though your captors were shoving bamboo under your fingernails while gang raping your girlfriend in front of you. The big complaint was that your face wasn't visible, so the asshole producers could have hired a stand-in to do your scenes. They could have, but they were already paying you.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Knock It Off, Jay-Z

Congratulations on having a kid. In fact, congratulations on being the first guy on the planet to ever have a kid. Oh, wait. You aren't the first? Well, shit. By the way you've been acting, it seems that you think you are the first dad on the planet. In fact, you seem to think you're the only dad on the planet, you inconsiderate fuck.

Some people might think that I should include your wife, Beyonce, in this post, but I disagree. I know I shouldn't dismiss her for this behavior, but it wouldn't surprise me to see this from a woman. Women are crazy, and pregnant women are the ninth circle of insane. If she shit up a playground slide while juggling dead hamsters, I wouldn't be that shocked. You, however, are a grown man. You really deserve a punch in the face for the way you're acting.