Read this blog and much more at its new home, KevinMoyers.com!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Knock It Off, Time

What are you doing to me? I'm a day late here, and it's all your fault. You move too fast. I know I attacked one of your minions last week, but this is when I need to go for the big guns. You're messing with me constantly, and I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

I had Monday off this week because of Christmas, so yesterday seemed like Tuesday, even though it was that prick Wednesday. I lost track, and thus this post is a day late. Whose to blame here? Some would say my mind or my memory, but that's really you. You do this to me. Because of you, I age, and I become forgetful.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Knock It Off, Wednesday

Jesus, man. You do this to me every single week. You sneak up on me, and I completely forget what day you are. Wednesday again? Yep. I have work to do. Here I am, trying to sit and figure out who the hell to complain about this week, and you're staring at me, ticking away like a son of a bitch. You just don't stop. Then, a week later, you start this shit all over again. Well, I've had enough.

I'm dying thanks to my own schedule. It's true, I choose to do the work, and I chose what tasks happen on what days, and Wednesday is my day to find a douchebag, but do you really have to sneak up on me? Nothing happens on Wednesdays, so it's no surprise that you have the ability to do this. There's nothing special about you. You don't have a show that I watch. You don't have an event. Now that I work the same route every day, I might even forget that you exist.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Knock It Off, Jim Harbaugh and Tim Tebow

I love football. It's the only sport I watch religiously anymore. Baseball is boring, and basketball is full of whiny kids. I like hockey, but there are too many teams to follow and too many guys without vowels in their names. Soccer is for assholes, and I know I'm an asshole, but not that kind of asshole. It takes a special grade of stupid to enjoy dickheads in little shorts playing glorified kickball. I hold football up on a pedestal above the others, and you two douchebags are ruining it for me.

I will admit that you are both very different kinds of douchebags. One is a well-meaning douche who just can't help but blather on like a retard, and the other is a maniacal douche who needs a huge kick in the nuts. I'll let you guess which is which. No, fuck that. I'm going to break it down for you two nutbags, or you'll never figure it out.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Knock It Off, Herman Cain

Dude! What happened to you? What the hell happened to you? Just when I was starting to take your side, you left. I know it's been a few days, but I'm really starting to feel sad about you leaving the Presidential race. Let's be clear. I was never going to vote for you, but I enjoyed your antics. I'll be honest. I don't even know what the hell 999 is, but I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

Here's what's sad about your departure. You were the closest thing we had to getting a pimp in the White House. That's not a racial thing. I really think you were a fuzzy hat away from being President Don Magic Juan. Just look at all you accomplished. You were getting ass all over the place. How do I know? Because only the greedy ones complained. I'll guarantee there were many satisfied customers who got served a slice of Herman Cain.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Knock It Off, Death

Sometimes I just don't get you. Believe me, I understand that we all face you some time, but sometimes it's way too soon. Some people like to blame one god or another, claiming that death is part of some sort of plan. Tell that to someone who lost a child. What's God's plan then?

"Well, we have a lot of Catholic priests up here, and they were running low."

Not going to cut it. I just wish you were better at choosing your targets. Seeing young people die is horrible, and somehow you don't seem to get that you hurt more than just your victims. Sometimes you hurt their family and friends, and sometimes you hurt the world. You definitely made the world a gloomier place this week.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Knock It Off, Paleontologists

I was watching a show about what Chicago was like in prehistoric times. As I watched, I realized something. You guys are fairly full of shit. I know that sounds crazy to some, but that fact is that most of what you do is guesswork. I understand that you have fossils and rocks to back up much of what you say, but the rest is hypothesis, and it's time that you admit that.

When I was a kid, I had a big interest in dinosaurs. Tyrannosaurus rex, triceratops and brontosaurus were popular with kids then. That's funny, because it turns out that one of those, according to recent discoveries, didn't actually exist. It seems that Fred Flintstone never had a brontosaurus burger. The big guy was actually just a screw up. Or was he?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Knock It Off, Joe Paterno Supporters

I'll start by asking a simple question. What if it was you? What if you were that ten-year-old boy in the shower? What if you went to a charity organization looking for guidance? What would you want to happen? What if it was your son or grandson? Would you feel differently about the way Mike McQueary and Joe Paterno handled things? I would hope so.

These two assholes seem to think they did all that was required of them, and they act like they have a clear conscience about it. McQueary told Paterno, and Paterno told the school. I guess they did all they could, right? In spite of McQueary's recent claims, which have been proven to be false, neither of these negligent pieces of shit went to the police. Instead, they continued to work with a child rapist for years, and they did nothing about it.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Knock It Off, Republican Presidential Candidates

I'm not going to get into your policies or political careers with this one. That's already all over the web. I'm not trying to be CNN or TMZ. I just want to address you on a human level, if you can even achieve that. I understand the process of campaigning and lying to people to get a job. Everybody lies at some point, and many of us have jobs that require us to sell something. You're just slinging your bullshit like any other salesmen.

What I need to know is how you all became such pandering assholes. I'm not shitting on you as a party, because your dysfunctional Democrat brethren are just as stupid and conniving, and I'm not going to exclude anyone from any other adorable little party that thinks it has a chance. You Libertarians can keep yelling, but nobody really gives a shit. Hey, at least you're not the Independence Party. I might be the only person aware of their existence.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Knock It Off, Megan Velez

I'm fine with criticism. I really do enjoy it. The one thing I ask is that it makes sense. I wrote a post about Kris Humphries awhile back, and it has been very popular. Apparently, you also read it, and you had to make a comment. I'm fine with that. If I wasn't, I'd disable comments. What made me laugh is that you just didn't get what I do here. My purpose is comedy, and if I call a celebrity a douchebag, that's part of the fun for me.

Here's what you wrote: "The real question is What is wrong with you? No one spends 20+ minutes bashing a celebrity they don't even know unless they're jealous, psycho,or suffering from low self-esteem, and you my friend, fall under each of these. I seriously thought a girl wrote this till you explained your dick/ball situation. Please feel free to msg me. http://www.facebook.com/megankvele" There are many flaws in your post, and I will be happy to explain these to you, and just so you know, this doesn't make me jealous of you, psycho or low on self-esteem. I just think it's funny to point out what a hypocritical cuntbag you are.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Knock It Off, Oakland Police

I grew up in Chicago, and I've seen some shitty cops in my lifetime. I've been harassed for being young, for wearing a Slayer t-shirt and for having long hair (yes, I once had hair). As obnoxious as all of those cops were, they never stooped to the levels you did with the Occupy Wall Street protesters. I shit on the protesters in my last Kevin Hates Everything podcast, but I did so only because their message isn't clear. I actually praised them for handling this in a peaceful manner. Too bad you couldn't do the same.

I never know what makes someone become a cop. Not all of you are bad, I understand that. I have had some good experiences with Phoenix cops. Not the motorcycle cops. That's a special brand of douchebag. I'm sure that many cops are people that were either bullied as kids or were the bullies, and they just need an extension of that childhood insecurity. Add a small dick (I assume) and an even bigger need to show how tough you are, and that's where the motorcycle comes in.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Knock It Off, "Real" Women

I have been thinking about this for a long time. I'm really sick and tired of certain women telling me and the rest of the world what a "real" woman is. "Real" women have curves. Okay, well, some of you are circles. I guess that counts as curves. "Real" women are, according to some of you, volumptuous. Let me repeat that: voLUMPtuous. Do you get the humor in that? The word is voluptuous, and you added the lumps. There is a big difference between voluptuous and morbidly obese. Don't believe me? Let's take a look, and before we really get into this, I just want to be clear that this is not directed at all of the larger ladies. Many of you don't carry this shit attitude. This is only directed at those who do.

Here is the simplest definition from Dictionary.com: 
vo·lup·tu·ous: sensuously pleasing or delightful
Okay, that's a nice term. Of course, there's nothing really sensuously pleasing or delightful about watching you plow through your third full sized bag of full sized Snickers bars.

TheFreeDictionary.com gives this definition pertaining to a woman:
provocative and sexually alluring, esp through shapeliness or fullness
Provocative and sexually alluring. That's an interesting statement. The rest talks about shapliness, which doesn't mean a circle, and it also talks about fullness, which has nothing to do with how you feel after a meal. I know you think I'm picking on you, and you're going to write some snotty poem about it and attribute it to someone else, but I'm trying to help you. Let's look at that interesting statement once again. Provocative and alluring. Any woman can be those things, but those of you complaining don't even try.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Knock It Off, Monday Night Football

I love your logic. I really do. After spending many years as the singer of the Monday Night Football theme song, Hank Williams Jr. was fired. You did this for political reasons, which is strange. Williams made negative comments about President Obama, and you dropped him. Honestly, what do you expect a redneck to do? Obama is not a Republican, and I guarantee that's the only requirement Williams needs to vote for you.

What you should do is clean house in the commentator's booth. I don't know why, but as long as I've been watching Football, the MNF booth has been filled with moron after moron, with the exceptions of Al Michaels, who continues to be brilliant alongside the equally talented Chris Collinsworth, and John Madden, who used MNF as his swan song. Beyond that, I've suffered through games to the point where I just stopped watching. Do you really need an explanation why? I guess I'll just make a list.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Knock It Off, Hallmark

It's a tough time for many people right now. Unemployment is up. Wages for new jobs are down. In a time like this, it's good to know you have friends. Do you know what friends do right now? They make you laugh. They buy you a beer. They let you crash at their place so you can float on rent for a bit. What they don't do is buy you a greeting card.

You recently decided that it would be a good idea to create a line of cards dedicated to people losing their jobs. "Hey, sucks that you got fired..." I would never want to open up an envelope from my mailbox to see that. Pity should not take the same form as a valentine or birthday card. Those things should be attached to happy thoughts. There's nothing Ziggy can say that would soften the blow of getting fired from my job.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Knock It Off, Individuals

I appreciate the cute little notion that you think you're different. I suppose we all think that at one point or another. I remember those days back in the nineties. Growing my hair long, listening to metal, wearing my Slayer t-shirt. I was different. Different like millions of other kids around the world.

I understand the need for individuality. That makes sense to me. You want to stand out. At least, you think you want to stand out. That's the problem. You think you feel a need to be unique, but you really just want to belong to something that people you don't like don't belong to. You actually want to be the exact same as someone else to be the opposite of someone you don't like.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Knock It Off, Facebook Complainers

You do this every time. Whenever something is different, you throw a shit fit. "Why did they change it?" "I liked the old way?" The old way? You mean the last version you bitched about? Yeah, they do change the layout every six months or so, but it's not that big of a deal. My favorite is the slow adapter. "I just got used to the last version." Are you really that stupid? It took you six months to get used to it?

Change is inevitable. Facebook change is constant. My problem with you is that you bitch about things that you get for free. If you don't like Facebook, delete your account. Go back to MySpace and see how that is. Even Tom is on Facebook now. How about your Friendster or your Bebo? Why don't you hang out there with the other shitheads?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Knock It Off, United States Postal Service

This one has been festering for a long time. Don't even act like you don't know why. For the last four and a half years, I've been listening to tales of your financial woes. It started when I walked in the door and carried my first route. It hasn't stopped. Blame has been placed everywhere but where it should be. On your complacent shoulders.

I'm really tired of the idea that your financial failures are due to the fact that you have to pay into a retirement account. If the problem lies with retirees, then why have you offered early retirement to so many people? Is it just to get them out of your hair? I know it isn't because you care about your employees. That's a joke. I love when people find out that I work for you. The first thing they say to me is, "Oh, great benefits." Benefits? I don't get those. Not health or dental insurance, not vacation time, not sick days and I don't even get paid for holidays that I have no choice in having off.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Knock It Off, American Family Association

I think that many people are fooled by your name. "American" and "Family" are words that people care about and like. Unfortunately, it doesn't represent your actual viewpoint. You only care about your view of what the American family should be. In essence, you are hiding behind words. Your outer appearance doesn't represent what is truly inside. You are in the closet, so to speak.

That's funny, because those are the people you create. Closeted scared people that are afraid to be who they really are. That's a shame, especially considering who your leader is. Remember that guy? His name is Jesus. He was the guy that said love thy neighbor and turn the other cheek, but you never seem to honor that. Instead, you preach fear. Why? Maybe because you are afraid. Maybe you're afraid of your afterlife, or maybe you're afraid that people will know who you really are and then judge you. I'm not the guy who thinks all homophobes are gay, or even as the word suggests, afraid of gays. That's just as simple minded as you are. I just know you're stupid.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Knock It Off, Cronyism

You know full well that he's not qualified for the job, don't you? I know that you come out with all kinds of references and experience, but is any of that real? I mean, seriously, can you not tell that your friend is not that bright? I guess you can't because in spite of his shortcomings, you still want him to be a part of the team. That's fine for you, but it really isn't that great for me or anyone else that has to work with him.

Look, I'm sure he's really nice, and you have a great time playing cards or drinking or going out for coffee. I'm sure he was your best buddy in high school. That's great. I'm glad you have such a great friend, but just like your religion or your choice of perfume, I don't need that friend to be forced upon me.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Knock It Off, Stoners

Before you get mad at me, I want to tell you one thing. I'm on your side. I think that any arrest made in connection to marijuana is ridiculous. It and all other drugs should be legal. That's right. I think heroine, meth, cocaine and anything else should be legal. Why? Because if people want to get high, they will. Need proof? There were kids in Ohio that shit and pissed in jars, let it ferment and then huffed it to catch a buzz. I would rather see my child walk into a drug store and pick up a six pack of weed than see her smell her own home brewed shit souffle.

Here's what drives me nuts about you. You can smoke weed all you want. You can cook it into brownies or cookies. You can put it in lollipops. I don't care. What I'm tired of is the constant cheerleading you do for weed. I get it. It makes you feel great and creative and free. That's wonderful. Do you know what it does for me? It makes me want to go to sleep. As soon as I say that, you all become fucking botanists.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Knock It Off, Crystal Harris

I understand that breaking off an engagement is a tough decision. I've done it twice. Sometimes getting married isn't the right thing to do. I suppose it's an especially daunting thought when the person you're marrying is older than your grandparents. If I were in your shoes, I would have walked away. You would have been making an odd life choice. That's fine and all, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little class when you move on.

I'm sure you realize the position you were in. You were about to marry Hugh Hefner, the guy every other guy looks up to in some way. He's been a pioneer for free speech, racial equality and sexual freedom. He created an American icon, and he was willing to share it with you. This is a guy who never needs to marry again. He's had women all over him for more than half a century, and he chose you. Somehow, he must have been in love with you. Broken hearts happen, but what you did after you left was uncalled for.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Knock It Off, Tempe St. Luke's Hospital

I had a recent unfortunate stay at a local hospital. The practices of the staff were appalling, and because of that, I decided to write the hospital a letter. What follows is the text of that letter.


To the Management of Tempe St. Luke’s Hospital,

                On Friday, July 29, 2011 at approximately 3:30am, I entered your emergency room with severe back pain in the kidney area. As a frequent sufferer of kidney stones over the last sixteen years, I knew what the pain was before I arrived. The pain existed for well over an hour before I left my home to seek treatment. Upon my arrival, I shared my medical history and my suspicions of a kidney stone with Dr. Hepburn and nurses. My biggest concern was that I may have had a blockage. Dr. Hepburn ordered pain medication to be delivered via IV and a CT scan to determine the cause of my pain. As expected, my suspicions of having kidney stones were confirmed.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Knock It Off, Amy Winehouse Fans

This is what happens when you don't go to rehab. I don't mean that as a lame joke. I'm serious. When Winehouse died a few days ago, I asked a serious question on Facebook. Does anyone give a shit? You all went crazy on me. I wasn't being callous. I meant it. Even though people seemed to think her death was sad, they seemed to enjoy her train wreck of a life. Why, then, did everyone suddenly feel bad for her?

We've been through this before. I don't just mean the stupid 27 club. I was only a fan of one of them in my lifetime, and I don't know that any Nirvana fan could predict that Kurt Cobain would put a gun in his mouth. It's not like any of his lyrics could have tipped us off. I remember being in high school. I think it was 1994, because I was in my car, which I only had senior year. If you think I'm old, fuck you. Anyway, all I remember thinking was, "Huh, no more Nirvana." It wasn't that I didn't care. I just didn't understand what would take a guy like that in that direction. Again, we as fans had no real sign of an imminent demise. With Winehouse and many others, we most definitely did.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Knock It Off, Casey Anthony Jury Defenders

Today, a murderer walks free. Worse, she's a child killer. Why is that worse? Killing an adult can sometimes be understandable. It can happen in self defense or in a situation where two bad people get in a bad place. Crack deal gone wrong, whatever. There is never a justifiable reason for killing a child. I know we can get into the Rush Limbaugh argument about how it's okay to kill a child inside the womb but not outside, but I won't do that here. That's another situation altogether. Actually, was Rush arguing that killing kids is okay? Probably only if you plan to use the meat. I'm sure Ted Nugent could get behind that. What I'm saying is that you could never come up with a scenario outside of a crazy mercy killing that would ever be logical to me.

I'm really tired of you defending the jury in their poor decision. They fucked up. They let a killer loose. Don't give me shit about the facts or the prosecution not being able to prove her guilt. I also don't want to hear the bullshit excuse about the jury finding her not guilty, but not finding her innocent. It's the same thing. If they didn't think she was innocent, then they should have found her guilty. That's common sense.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Knock It Off, Gender Neutral Parents

I am a man. I was born a boy. Do you know how I know? I sat on my balls a few times. Girls don't have that problem. I know you so-called progressive parents think it's a good idea to hide your baby's gender from him or her, but that's a problem once they look down. To quote that annoying kid from Kindergarten Cop, boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.

I'm not quite sure what you're trying to accomplish. Do you want your kids to be confused? The only thing I seem to hear is that you don't want gender roles to be forced upon your children. I'm not sure if you realize this, but nature dictates a person's gender. We don't just say, "Well, we need more boys, so you'll just be one of those." That doesn't work when you have a cooter. You can't just whip out your clit at the urinal and drain the liza... uh, worm? No. Maggot? Yeah, it just doesn't work, unless you're Chyna, I guess. Ah, memories. Horrible horrible memories. Where was I?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Knock It Off, Sex Addicts

First of all, I don't believe any of you. I don't think you really have a problem other than getting caught. Seriously, who goes to sex rehab before they get caught fucking around? Not Tiger Woods, not Anthony Wiener and not David Duchovney. You all had to get caught doing things that your wives didn't approve of before "admitting" to having a problem. What a fucking cop out (Hey, nice accidental pun!). Your problem isn't a sexual addiction. Your problem is a lack of discretion.

I'm just an average guy in many ways. I get the concept of the wandering eye. A hot girl walks by, and you look. It's natural. Sometimes you don't even realize you're doing it. Women do it too. One of the funniest moments to me occurred in a Starbucks. I managed this business, and my assistant manager and I went to go get some coffee. We were standing in line, and a woman with a nice ass was in front of us. Of course I noticed it, but I took a glance and went on with my day. That's called discretion, dummies. My assistant, who was a gay girl in her early twenties, started going crazy over this girl. She was almost drooling while she went on and on about how she just wanted to do all of these things to this girl's ass. I had to calm her down. Maybe her age was a factor in her perviness. I don't know. It was funny, but ridiculous.

Knock It Off, Tiki Barber

Do you remember Doug Flutie? He was a good quarterback who broke all conventional logic and actually made a quality return to the NFL. He was in the CFL for several years and won a few championships in Canada. He couldn't win in the NFL, and he went north to a league that was better for a short (short for American pro sports, anyway) guy. This is why the CFL exists. They can't compete with the NFL, but they can handle our leftovers. If you really want to make a comeback, that's where you should go. It's not just because of your age or time away from the league. The fact is that nobody really wants you back.

You were a decent running back. I'll give you that. You were never great. I would never vote to put you into the Hall of Fame. Look, I get that Thanksgiving must be rough for you considering the fact that your brother shows up with his Superbowl ring and you retired just before your team won one. That was just bad timing on your part. You could have hung a few more years. Then again, you would have been a part of the reason your team wouldn't have made it through the playoffs in the first place. You were a bit of a hindrance, and they were better without you.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Knock It Off, Kris Humphries

What the fuck is wrong with you? There is pussy whipped, and there is just plain being an insecure pussy. You, my enormously douchey friend, are the biggest pussy I've ever seen. Hey, look. I'll give you some credit for nailing Kim Kardashian. Good. Great job. The problem is that you proposed to this girl within months of meeting her, and you did it with a 20.5 karat diamond ring.

Do you understand what kind of a retarded precedent you set for men everywhere? Well, not me, because I actually have a dick and balls, but for those men who really don't have the ability to stand up to their girlfriends and wives. Imagine those conversations. "Oh, Kim Kardashian got a 20.5 karat diamond from her boyfriend, and he inscribed it with some biblical verses and hearts. Why can't you be that romantic?" Yeah, romantic. The real question they're asking is, "Why am I stuck with such a broke loser jackoff?" The quick answer to that is the shit attitude, the lazy eye, that one corn tooth and the extra 207 pounds, but she'll never figure that out. It's always the guy's fault.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Knock It Off, Rapture

You know, you really disappoint me. You were supposed to be here today, and you never showed. You're like a deadbeat parent or a shitty date. What happened? Let me guess, traffic? Stuck at work late? Wife wouldn't let you go? I'm tired of the excuses. You were supposed to come down here and take away all the Christians so the rest of us could finally have the planet to ourselves.

Sometimes I wonder about you. Sure, I don't believe you're ever coming, but I still do have that glimmer of hope. I know, I set myself up for rejection. Maybe that's it. Maybe you are a jokester and like to screw with the Christians. That's something I can appreciate. I like to see a good kick in the nard hauler, especially when that kick is well deserved. I just wish you really would come here. The reasons are many.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Knock It Off, Dad Bashers

Choosy moms choose Jif. Kix are kid tested, mother approved. Mother knows best. Sure she does. Tell that to Susan Smith's kids. Oh, wait. Yes, it's Mother's Day, but this really isn't about moms. This is about the other parent. Who? You know, that dad guy. He's the one that gets shit on at every turn. Hey, guess who I am. That's right, I'm Dad. I'm the butt of the joke for you assholes.

Remember Three Men and a Baby? It was so hilarious watching three guys look at a baby like chimps looking at brain surgery. Oh, so hilarious. You did the same thing with Full House. Uncle Jesse can't find the diapers, so let's wrap the baby in paper towels. Hardy har blow me.

When did this become okay? When did the head of the family go from Ozzie Nelson or Andy Taylor to Ray Barone or Joey Gladstone? Do we blame Michael Keaton? He was an asshole at the start of Mr. Mom, but he got shit together. It wasn't because he was a shitty dad. It was because he was a shitty person. He just happened to have kids. That wasn't good enough for you, so you gave it a title that insinuated it was all about his parenting. I've been tired of it for a long time. Then I opened today's newspaper.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Knock It Off, Donald Trump

This should be short and sweet. I've had it. I'm tired of it all. There are blowhards, and there is you. I'm not sure what it is that you think you're doing. You're a fucking clown. I can't believe anyone would watch your stupid show, let alone take you seriously as a presidential candidate. The Apprentice is a boring, heaping, steaming pile of shit that showcases celebretards that we've all forgotten about for good reason. Many of them are more ridiculous than that fucked up mess on your head.

You have a television show and a ton of money, so it seems. Do you really need attention that badly? Why do you need to stick your big fat cat carcass covered head into politics? You have no idea what the common man needs. You were born into money, and you've screwed that up more than once. Bankruptcy is something we're already dealing with around the country. Maybe you could recommend a good lawyer, but you haven't been able to stay away from it personally, so why should I think you could dig the country out? We can't all host a reality show.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Knock If Off, Royal-philes

I hope it was worth it. I hope getting up in the middle of the night to watch someone get married halfway around the world was worth it. Look, if you're in England, I guess it's an important historical event. After all, you need to be aware of the next person who gets to live the good life off of your hard earned pounds and quid and whatever else you call your money. I get that. You need to know how frivolously your tax money is being spent. Is that okay with you? I mean, the royal family doesn't really run anything, do they? It seems like the prime minister is the HNIC at this point, so why all the faux royalty?

Either way, what I really don't get is how fascinated my fellow Americans are by all this. We are in a country that was founded by breaking off from a king's rule. We aren't Canada or Australia. We have no connection to the crown anymore, so why do you all care so much?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Knock If Off, Pet Fanatics

I watch one news program every week. It is CBS News Sunday Morning. I have watched it since I was a kid. I'd get up waiting for the Bears games, and I'd always be up early enough to catch Charles Kuralt followed by Steve Sabol and his NFL Films. After that, Greg Gumbel and Terry Bradshaw did the NFC breakdown, followed by a miserable outing by the Monsters of the Midway. All these years later, I still get up to watch Charles Osgood and his crew and their interesting stories.

Recently, the show had an entire episode dedicated to animals. The was a great segment about Isabella Rossellini, the story of Dean Koontz and his dog, and an amazing show of puppetry involving full sized horse puppets. There was also an editorial by Faith Salie. In it, she explained that she wasn't a pet person, and that people tend to belittle her over it. She had a funny comment about not calling people who dress up their pets crazy, even though I personally disagree. You idiots are crazy. After the show, I started to see some of the stories posted on Facebook. That's when you pet fetishist assholes showed your true colors.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Knock It Off, Jeff Bourbeau

I know that right now everyone wants to know who the fuck you are, and why I would waste my time with you. Hell, I'm starting to wonder why I'm wasting my time with you, but it's not just about you. Here was a comment you posted on my old blog, Kevin Hates Everything:

"Hey there. Just wanted to let you know that your blog name was unoriginal. That's all. Have a nice day."

What was the point of that? There are a few amusing things about your timing. First off, you posted that comment two years after I started the blog. Second, you posted it a year after I ended the blog. Third, you should have known that, because you wrote it on the blog entitled Kevin Hates Good-byes, in which I state that the blog is ending.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Knock It Off, Kathy Griffin

Jesus H. Christ, put on a shirt. I swear, I may never eat pancakes again. Especially not pale saggy pancakes. Holy Fuck. What were you thinking? Seriously, what were you thinking? I know that every time you have some Frankensteinian plastic surgery done to that corpse you walk around in you think you need to show it off, but we don't want to see it. By we, I mean every living being on this and any other planet. I mean human and animal. I mean mammal, reptile, fish and bird. I think I even speak for plants and bacteria. Nobody wants to see it. Even a blind man's stomach might turn.

I know what you're thinking. "Kevin, why did you look at my pictures if you don't need to see them?" I look at a lot of disgusting things on the internet. My brain tends to not believe what it can't see. That may have something to do with my Atheism. I've seen the beheading video, Saddam Hussein's hanging, 2 Girls, 1 Cup and the guy that broke a glass jar in his ass. I hear about this crap, and I generally need to see it for myself. I heard about your topless pictures, and I decided to test my intestinal fortitude. It was a test for the ages.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Knock It Off, Superman

It's fitting that your greatest enemy is an obnoxious bald guy. Allow me to introduce myself. I am obnoxious bald guy number two. Call me Next Luthor. I don't understand you or why you are so popular. You are just too perfect. Sure, I felt bad for you when you lost your parents and your whole planet blew up. That really sucked. What you got in exchange, though, was a wealth of special abilities brought on by the yellow sun. The amount of powers you acquired is ridiculous.

You have super strength. Bullets bounce off of you. You can shoot lasers from your eyes and you can see through anything. You can fly. You can fucking fly. The only thing that can defeat you is an element called kryptonite. You are completely undefeatable by even extreme means. So, why are you always getting your ass kicked?

Knock It Off, Ironic Nerds

Oh, check you out. You just got your new Knight Rider t-shirt, and you're wearing it to go hang out at the coffee shop. All of your friends will get a laugh out of that. Look at you in your ironic t-shirt. Hold on. Wait a second. This shirt is supposed to be ironic? Really? You think that's true? Irony is an outcome that is opposite of what is expected. It often ends in a tragic turn. You, little nerd, wearing a nerdy shirt isn't ironic. It's nerdy.

Who wouldn't expect you to wear that shirt? You are a nerd, your shirt is nerdy, that equals an expected result. The irony here is that you nerds are all supposed to be so smart, yet you're misusing the fuck out of a word. You are the new Alanis Morrisette. Why don't you just go get yourself some fly wine and complete the asshole cycle. Sure, I'll give her the plane crash thing, but other than that, the rest is just shitty coincidence. You don't even have that much going for you.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Knock It Off, AT&T

I have a long and storied hatred for you. Well, not for AT&T, actually, but for you, the demon that hides behind that name. You know who you are, Cingular. That's right. I know your true identity. You can't hide from me, you greedy fucker. You thought you were slick by changing your name. This is your outing, for anyone who forgot.

I remember when I got my first cell phone. It was Christmas of 1999. It was one of those blocky little Nextel phones with the solid antenna that stuck up. I enjoyed having that thing for several years. I even got a nifty little leather belt clip for it. I signed up for a contract with some wireless company whose name I can't remember. The service was good, and all was well. Soon after my purchase, I was informed that my wireless company was being taken over by Cingular. Okay, sure, companies buy companies all the time. I figured with this new booming industry, many would fall by the wayside in the first few years. I knew nothing about you, so I gave you a chance. That was disappointing, to say the least.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Knock It Off, Tamtam Pamela

Today my eyes were opened to a video of a fool. My Cinema Head Cheese cohort Ron Ford posted a YouTube video of you rejoicing over the deaths of hundreds of Japanese people after the tsunami. More death is likely, and you'll probably dance a jig. I reposted your video, and all I saw from either post was a stack of horrified remarks. I really don't understand how anyone who claims to read the teachings of Jesus can revel in someone's death. Of course, I took some time to watch a few more videos, and I figured out why.

You don't actually read the bible.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Knock It Off, Charlie Sheen

You know, for the last decade I've been very annoyed with your career. Two and a Half Men is one of the worst shows ever created. I've watched two episodes, and the only funny line in either was delivered by Ryan Stiles. Your character is a cliche. The whiny exact opposite brother played by Jon Cryer is a cliche. Your overweight middle-aged brassy tell-it-like-it-is housekeeper is a cliche. The kid that plays your nephew is just fucking horrible. The boy from Problem Child was a better actor. I'm pretty sure I took three shits today that each have more talent than that awful bastard. Maybe it was four. I lost count.

Recently, as you know, you've made a little bit of a splash into pop culture. You have become a quote machine. Hell, I've even quoted you quite a few times. I mean, come on, who doesn't love saying "winning" in that snarky little way? Suddenly you've returned to the coolness of Topper Harley or Ricky Vaughn. You have shown the world your lifestyle, and I am extremely intrigued.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Knock It Off, Generation Y

You ignorant twentysomething douchebags. What the hell is your problem? I know you think you're cool, but you're not. Cool is something that lasts for generations. What you have going on will not. It is ridiculous and unimaginable that I will ever look back at this era with any sort of fondness.

When we look back to the 1930s, we see cool gangsters and early automobiles. We see Charlie Chaplin and the Marx Brothers. The '50s gave us rock music. The '60s gave us free love and social change. The '80s birthed metal and rap, and the '90s watched those grow into amazing forces in music and culture.

You assholes give us Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber.

Okay, I partially blame the gays for Lady Gaga, but Bieber is all you.

I look at everything you are, and I can't find a single redeeming quality. Why is that? Let's break it down.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Knock It Off, NASA

On July 20, 1969, Apollo 11 landed on the moon, or on a sound stage in Hollywood. Either way, who gives a shit. I really don't care. Apparently you did this five more times with manned vehicles and a few more times with unmanned vehicles. This cost American taxpayers millions of dollars each time. Why did you do this? To beat the Soviets. Why are you still doing this? Who the fuck knows?

I remember the excitement over the Challenger mission when I was a kid. Christa McAuliffe, a grade school teacher, was to be the first civilian in outer space. News crews followed her as she went through training with the other astronauts. On a cold morning in 1986, McAuliffe's students sat in their classroom as live news cameras showed their teacher and six astronauts exploding over the Atlantic Ocean.