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Monday, March 28, 2011

Knock It Off, Superman

It's fitting that your greatest enemy is an obnoxious bald guy. Allow me to introduce myself. I am obnoxious bald guy number two. Call me Next Luthor. I don't understand you or why you are so popular. You are just too perfect. Sure, I felt bad for you when you lost your parents and your whole planet blew up. That really sucked. What you got in exchange, though, was a wealth of special abilities brought on by the yellow sun. The amount of powers you acquired is ridiculous.

You have super strength. Bullets bounce off of you. You can shoot lasers from your eyes and you can see through anything. You can fly. You can fucking fly. The only thing that can defeat you is an element called kryptonite. You are completely undefeatable by even extreme means. So, why are you always getting your ass kicked?

Knock It Off, Ironic Nerds

Oh, check you out. You just got your new Knight Rider t-shirt, and you're wearing it to go hang out at the coffee shop. All of your friends will get a laugh out of that. Look at you in your ironic t-shirt. Hold on. Wait a second. This shirt is supposed to be ironic? Really? You think that's true? Irony is an outcome that is opposite of what is expected. It often ends in a tragic turn. You, little nerd, wearing a nerdy shirt isn't ironic. It's nerdy.

Who wouldn't expect you to wear that shirt? You are a nerd, your shirt is nerdy, that equals an expected result. The irony here is that you nerds are all supposed to be so smart, yet you're misusing the fuck out of a word. You are the new Alanis Morrisette. Why don't you just go get yourself some fly wine and complete the asshole cycle. Sure, I'll give her the plane crash thing, but other than that, the rest is just shitty coincidence. You don't even have that much going for you.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Knock It Off, AT&T

I have a long and storied hatred for you. Well, not for AT&T, actually, but for you, the demon that hides behind that name. You know who you are, Cingular. That's right. I know your true identity. You can't hide from me, you greedy fucker. You thought you were slick by changing your name. This is your outing, for anyone who forgot.

I remember when I got my first cell phone. It was Christmas of 1999. It was one of those blocky little Nextel phones with the solid antenna that stuck up. I enjoyed having that thing for several years. I even got a nifty little leather belt clip for it. I signed up for a contract with some wireless company whose name I can't remember. The service was good, and all was well. Soon after my purchase, I was informed that my wireless company was being taken over by Cingular. Okay, sure, companies buy companies all the time. I figured with this new booming industry, many would fall by the wayside in the first few years. I knew nothing about you, so I gave you a chance. That was disappointing, to say the least.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Knock It Off, Tamtam Pamela

Today my eyes were opened to a video of a fool. My Cinema Head Cheese cohort Ron Ford posted a YouTube video of you rejoicing over the deaths of hundreds of Japanese people after the tsunami. More death is likely, and you'll probably dance a jig. I reposted your video, and all I saw from either post was a stack of horrified remarks. I really don't understand how anyone who claims to read the teachings of Jesus can revel in someone's death. Of course, I took some time to watch a few more videos, and I figured out why.

You don't actually read the bible.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Knock It Off, Charlie Sheen

You know, for the last decade I've been very annoyed with your career. Two and a Half Men is one of the worst shows ever created. I've watched two episodes, and the only funny line in either was delivered by Ryan Stiles. Your character is a cliche. The whiny exact opposite brother played by Jon Cryer is a cliche. Your overweight middle-aged brassy tell-it-like-it-is housekeeper is a cliche. The kid that plays your nephew is just fucking horrible. The boy from Problem Child was a better actor. I'm pretty sure I took three shits today that each have more talent than that awful bastard. Maybe it was four. I lost count.

Recently, as you know, you've made a little bit of a splash into pop culture. You have become a quote machine. Hell, I've even quoted you quite a few times. I mean, come on, who doesn't love saying "winning" in that snarky little way? Suddenly you've returned to the coolness of Topper Harley or Ricky Vaughn. You have shown the world your lifestyle, and I am extremely intrigued.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Knock It Off, Generation Y

You ignorant twentysomething douchebags. What the hell is your problem? I know you think you're cool, but you're not. Cool is something that lasts for generations. What you have going on will not. It is ridiculous and unimaginable that I will ever look back at this era with any sort of fondness.

When we look back to the 1930s, we see cool gangsters and early automobiles. We see Charlie Chaplin and the Marx Brothers. The '50s gave us rock music. The '60s gave us free love and social change. The '80s birthed metal and rap, and the '90s watched those grow into amazing forces in music and culture.

You assholes give us Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber.

Okay, I partially blame the gays for Lady Gaga, but Bieber is all you.

I look at everything you are, and I can't find a single redeeming quality. Why is that? Let's break it down.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Knock It Off, NASA

On July 20, 1969, Apollo 11 landed on the moon, or on a sound stage in Hollywood. Either way, who gives a shit. I really don't care. Apparently you did this five more times with manned vehicles and a few more times with unmanned vehicles. This cost American taxpayers millions of dollars each time. Why did you do this? To beat the Soviets. Why are you still doing this? Who the fuck knows?

I remember the excitement over the Challenger mission when I was a kid. Christa McAuliffe, a grade school teacher, was to be the first civilian in outer space. News crews followed her as she went through training with the other astronauts. On a cold morning in 1986, McAuliffe's students sat in their classroom as live news cameras showed their teacher and six astronauts exploding over the Atlantic Ocean.