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Friday, April 29, 2011

Knock If Off, Royal-philes

I hope it was worth it. I hope getting up in the middle of the night to watch someone get married halfway around the world was worth it. Look, if you're in England, I guess it's an important historical event. After all, you need to be aware of the next person who gets to live the good life off of your hard earned pounds and quid and whatever else you call your money. I get that. You need to know how frivolously your tax money is being spent. Is that okay with you? I mean, the royal family doesn't really run anything, do they? It seems like the prime minister is the HNIC at this point, so why all the faux royalty?

Either way, what I really don't get is how fascinated my fellow Americans are by all this. We are in a country that was founded by breaking off from a king's rule. We aren't Canada or Australia. We have no connection to the crown anymore, so why do you all care so much?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Knock If Off, Pet Fanatics

I watch one news program every week. It is CBS News Sunday Morning. I have watched it since I was a kid. I'd get up waiting for the Bears games, and I'd always be up early enough to catch Charles Kuralt followed by Steve Sabol and his NFL Films. After that, Greg Gumbel and Terry Bradshaw did the NFC breakdown, followed by a miserable outing by the Monsters of the Midway. All these years later, I still get up to watch Charles Osgood and his crew and their interesting stories.

Recently, the show had an entire episode dedicated to animals. The was a great segment about Isabella Rossellini, the story of Dean Koontz and his dog, and an amazing show of puppetry involving full sized horse puppets. There was also an editorial by Faith Salie. In it, she explained that she wasn't a pet person, and that people tend to belittle her over it. She had a funny comment about not calling people who dress up their pets crazy, even though I personally disagree. You idiots are crazy. After the show, I started to see some of the stories posted on Facebook. That's when you pet fetishist assholes showed your true colors.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Knock It Off, Jeff Bourbeau

I know that right now everyone wants to know who the fuck you are, and why I would waste my time with you. Hell, I'm starting to wonder why I'm wasting my time with you, but it's not just about you. Here was a comment you posted on my old blog, Kevin Hates Everything:

"Hey there. Just wanted to let you know that your blog name was unoriginal. That's all. Have a nice day."

What was the point of that? There are a few amusing things about your timing. First off, you posted that comment two years after I started the blog. Second, you posted it a year after I ended the blog. Third, you should have known that, because you wrote it on the blog entitled Kevin Hates Good-byes, in which I state that the blog is ending.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Knock It Off, Kathy Griffin

Jesus H. Christ, put on a shirt. I swear, I may never eat pancakes again. Especially not pale saggy pancakes. Holy Fuck. What were you thinking? Seriously, what were you thinking? I know that every time you have some Frankensteinian plastic surgery done to that corpse you walk around in you think you need to show it off, but we don't want to see it. By we, I mean every living being on this and any other planet. I mean human and animal. I mean mammal, reptile, fish and bird. I think I even speak for plants and bacteria. Nobody wants to see it. Even a blind man's stomach might turn.

I know what you're thinking. "Kevin, why did you look at my pictures if you don't need to see them?" I look at a lot of disgusting things on the internet. My brain tends to not believe what it can't see. That may have something to do with my Atheism. I've seen the beheading video, Saddam Hussein's hanging, 2 Girls, 1 Cup and the guy that broke a glass jar in his ass. I hear about this crap, and I generally need to see it for myself. I heard about your topless pictures, and I decided to test my intestinal fortitude. It was a test for the ages.