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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Knock It Off, Rapture

You know, you really disappoint me. You were supposed to be here today, and you never showed. You're like a deadbeat parent or a shitty date. What happened? Let me guess, traffic? Stuck at work late? Wife wouldn't let you go? I'm tired of the excuses. You were supposed to come down here and take away all the Christians so the rest of us could finally have the planet to ourselves.

Sometimes I wonder about you. Sure, I don't believe you're ever coming, but I still do have that glimmer of hope. I know, I set myself up for rejection. Maybe that's it. Maybe you are a jokester and like to screw with the Christians. That's something I can appreciate. I like to see a good kick in the nard hauler, especially when that kick is well deserved. I just wish you really would come here. The reasons are many.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Knock It Off, Dad Bashers

Choosy moms choose Jif. Kix are kid tested, mother approved. Mother knows best. Sure she does. Tell that to Susan Smith's kids. Oh, wait. Yes, it's Mother's Day, but this really isn't about moms. This is about the other parent. Who? You know, that dad guy. He's the one that gets shit on at every turn. Hey, guess who I am. That's right, I'm Dad. I'm the butt of the joke for you assholes.

Remember Three Men and a Baby? It was so hilarious watching three guys look at a baby like chimps looking at brain surgery. Oh, so hilarious. You did the same thing with Full House. Uncle Jesse can't find the diapers, so let's wrap the baby in paper towels. Hardy har blow me.

When did this become okay? When did the head of the family go from Ozzie Nelson or Andy Taylor to Ray Barone or Joey Gladstone? Do we blame Michael Keaton? He was an asshole at the start of Mr. Mom, but he got shit together. It wasn't because he was a shitty dad. It was because he was a shitty person. He just happened to have kids. That wasn't good enough for you, so you gave it a title that insinuated it was all about his parenting. I've been tired of it for a long time. Then I opened today's newspaper.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Knock It Off, Donald Trump

This should be short and sweet. I've had it. I'm tired of it all. There are blowhards, and there is you. I'm not sure what it is that you think you're doing. You're a fucking clown. I can't believe anyone would watch your stupid show, let alone take you seriously as a presidential candidate. The Apprentice is a boring, heaping, steaming pile of shit that showcases celebretards that we've all forgotten about for good reason. Many of them are more ridiculous than that fucked up mess on your head.

You have a television show and a ton of money, so it seems. Do you really need attention that badly? Why do you need to stick your big fat cat carcass covered head into politics? You have no idea what the common man needs. You were born into money, and you've screwed that up more than once. Bankruptcy is something we're already dealing with around the country. Maybe you could recommend a good lawyer, but you haven't been able to stay away from it personally, so why should I think you could dig the country out? We can't all host a reality show.