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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Knock It Off, Sex Addicts

First of all, I don't believe any of you. I don't think you really have a problem other than getting caught. Seriously, who goes to sex rehab before they get caught fucking around? Not Tiger Woods, not Anthony Wiener and not David Duchovney. You all had to get caught doing things that your wives didn't approve of before "admitting" to having a problem. What a fucking cop out (Hey, nice accidental pun!). Your problem isn't a sexual addiction. Your problem is a lack of discretion.

I'm just an average guy in many ways. I get the concept of the wandering eye. A hot girl walks by, and you look. It's natural. Sometimes you don't even realize you're doing it. Women do it too. One of the funniest moments to me occurred in a Starbucks. I managed this business, and my assistant manager and I went to go get some coffee. We were standing in line, and a woman with a nice ass was in front of us. Of course I noticed it, but I took a glance and went on with my day. That's called discretion, dummies. My assistant, who was a gay girl in her early twenties, started going crazy over this girl. She was almost drooling while she went on and on about how she just wanted to do all of these things to this girl's ass. I had to calm her down. Maybe her age was a factor in her perviness. I don't know. It was funny, but ridiculous.

Knock It Off, Tiki Barber

Do you remember Doug Flutie? He was a good quarterback who broke all conventional logic and actually made a quality return to the NFL. He was in the CFL for several years and won a few championships in Canada. He couldn't win in the NFL, and he went north to a league that was better for a short (short for American pro sports, anyway) guy. This is why the CFL exists. They can't compete with the NFL, but they can handle our leftovers. If you really want to make a comeback, that's where you should go. It's not just because of your age or time away from the league. The fact is that nobody really wants you back.

You were a decent running back. I'll give you that. You were never great. I would never vote to put you into the Hall of Fame. Look, I get that Thanksgiving must be rough for you considering the fact that your brother shows up with his Superbowl ring and you retired just before your team won one. That was just bad timing on your part. You could have hung a few more years. Then again, you would have been a part of the reason your team wouldn't have made it through the playoffs in the first place. You were a bit of a hindrance, and they were better without you.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Knock It Off, Kris Humphries

What the fuck is wrong with you? There is pussy whipped, and there is just plain being an insecure pussy. You, my enormously douchey friend, are the biggest pussy I've ever seen. Hey, look. I'll give you some credit for nailing Kim Kardashian. Good. Great job. The problem is that you proposed to this girl within months of meeting her, and you did it with a 20.5 karat diamond ring.

Do you understand what kind of a retarded precedent you set for men everywhere? Well, not me, because I actually have a dick and balls, but for those men who really don't have the ability to stand up to their girlfriends and wives. Imagine those conversations. "Oh, Kim Kardashian got a 20.5 karat diamond from her boyfriend, and he inscribed it with some biblical verses and hearts. Why can't you be that romantic?" Yeah, romantic. The real question they're asking is, "Why am I stuck with such a broke loser jackoff?" The quick answer to that is the shit attitude, the lazy eye, that one corn tooth and the extra 207 pounds, but she'll never figure that out. It's always the guy's fault.