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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Knock It Off, Tiki Barber

Do you remember Doug Flutie? He was a good quarterback who broke all conventional logic and actually made a quality return to the NFL. He was in the CFL for several years and won a few championships in Canada. He couldn't win in the NFL, and he went north to a league that was better for a short (short for American pro sports, anyway) guy. This is why the CFL exists. They can't compete with the NFL, but they can handle our leftovers. If you really want to make a comeback, that's where you should go. It's not just because of your age or time away from the league. The fact is that nobody really wants you back.

You were a decent running back. I'll give you that. You were never great. I would never vote to put you into the Hall of Fame. Look, I get that Thanksgiving must be rough for you considering the fact that your brother shows up with his Superbowl ring and you retired just before your team won one. That was just bad timing on your part. You could have hung a few more years. Then again, you would have been a part of the reason your team wouldn't have made it through the playoffs in the first place. You were a bit of a hindrance, and they were better without you.

Then you made the leap to broadcasting. I don't even know where to begin with that. You make Ron Pitts look good. Does that say it all? You're slightly better than Jerry Glanville. That's about as complimentary as I can get. I cringe every time you appear on screen. It makes me feel like the football broadcasting gods hate me. When the Bears were at their worst, I got Glanville almost every week, and now that I live in Arizona, we get Pitts quite often. The terrible thing about you is that you pop in at random like a bird who's ready to take a giant shit on my windshield. Frank Caliendo is less annoying than you are. FRANK FUCKING UNFUNNY OBNOXIOUS CALIENDO!

You know what's funny? I'm not even mad at you for the thing that pissed everyone else off. You know what I'm referring to, right? In the midst of your divorce, you moved into your Jewish friend's attic, and you said you felt like a reverse Anne Frank. That was a solid joke. If a comedian said it, people would have laughed. Okay, in light of all the sensitivity surrounding Gilbert Gottfried, Christopher Titus and Tracey Morgan, probably not, but I give you a thumbs up on that one. I didn't laugh, but I acknowledged the quality of the joke, especially from a guy who usually doesn't say anything worth a shit in his job where he's supposed to talk and say interesting things.

Just please do us all a favor. Go play in the USFL. That way you can actually be respectable on some level, and anybody who doesn't specifically want to see you doesn't have to. There's no way you wouldn't make the cut. If they'll let that douchebag Glanville run a team, they'll let anybody in.

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