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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Knock It Off, Cronyism

You know full well that he's not qualified for the job, don't you? I know that you come out with all kinds of references and experience, but is any of that real? I mean, seriously, can you not tell that your friend is not that bright? I guess you can't because in spite of his shortcomings, you still want him to be a part of the team. That's fine for you, but it really isn't that great for me or anyone else that has to work with him.

Look, I'm sure he's really nice, and you have a great time playing cards or drinking or going out for coffee. I'm sure he was your best buddy in high school. That's great. I'm glad you have such a great friend, but just like your religion or your choice of perfume, I don't need that friend to be forced upon me.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Knock It Off, Stoners

Before you get mad at me, I want to tell you one thing. I'm on your side. I think that any arrest made in connection to marijuana is ridiculous. It and all other drugs should be legal. That's right. I think heroine, meth, cocaine and anything else should be legal. Why? Because if people want to get high, they will. Need proof? There were kids in Ohio that shit and pissed in jars, let it ferment and then huffed it to catch a buzz. I would rather see my child walk into a drug store and pick up a six pack of weed than see her smell her own home brewed shit souffle.

Here's what drives me nuts about you. You can smoke weed all you want. You can cook it into brownies or cookies. You can put it in lollipops. I don't care. What I'm tired of is the constant cheerleading you do for weed. I get it. It makes you feel great and creative and free. That's wonderful. Do you know what it does for me? It makes me want to go to sleep. As soon as I say that, you all become fucking botanists.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Knock It Off, Crystal Harris

I understand that breaking off an engagement is a tough decision. I've done it twice. Sometimes getting married isn't the right thing to do. I suppose it's an especially daunting thought when the person you're marrying is older than your grandparents. If I were in your shoes, I would have walked away. You would have been making an odd life choice. That's fine and all, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little class when you move on.

I'm sure you realize the position you were in. You were about to marry Hugh Hefner, the guy every other guy looks up to in some way. He's been a pioneer for free speech, racial equality and sexual freedom. He created an American icon, and he was willing to share it with you. This is a guy who never needs to marry again. He's had women all over him for more than half a century, and he chose you. Somehow, he must have been in love with you. Broken hearts happen, but what you did after you left was uncalled for.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Knock It Off, Tempe St. Luke's Hospital

I had a recent unfortunate stay at a local hospital. The practices of the staff were appalling, and because of that, I decided to write the hospital a letter. What follows is the text of that letter.


To the Management of Tempe St. Luke’s Hospital,

                On Friday, July 29, 2011 at approximately 3:30am, I entered your emergency room with severe back pain in the kidney area. As a frequent sufferer of kidney stones over the last sixteen years, I knew what the pain was before I arrived. The pain existed for well over an hour before I left my home to seek treatment. Upon my arrival, I shared my medical history and my suspicions of a kidney stone with Dr. Hepburn and nurses. My biggest concern was that I may have had a blockage. Dr. Hepburn ordered pain medication to be delivered via IV and a CT scan to determine the cause of my pain. As expected, my suspicions of having kidney stones were confirmed.