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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Knock It Off, Oakland Police

I grew up in Chicago, and I've seen some shitty cops in my lifetime. I've been harassed for being young, for wearing a Slayer t-shirt and for having long hair (yes, I once had hair). As obnoxious as all of those cops were, they never stooped to the levels you did with the Occupy Wall Street protesters. I shit on the protesters in my last Kevin Hates Everything podcast, but I did so only because their message isn't clear. I actually praised them for handling this in a peaceful manner. Too bad you couldn't do the same.

I never know what makes someone become a cop. Not all of you are bad, I understand that. I have had some good experiences with Phoenix cops. Not the motorcycle cops. That's a special brand of douchebag. I'm sure that many cops are people that were either bullied as kids or were the bullies, and they just need an extension of that childhood insecurity. Add a small dick (I assume) and an even bigger need to show how tough you are, and that's where the motorcycle comes in.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Knock It Off, "Real" Women

I have been thinking about this for a long time. I'm really sick and tired of certain women telling me and the rest of the world what a "real" woman is. "Real" women have curves. Okay, well, some of you are circles. I guess that counts as curves. "Real" women are, according to some of you, volumptuous. Let me repeat that: voLUMPtuous. Do you get the humor in that? The word is voluptuous, and you added the lumps. There is a big difference between voluptuous and morbidly obese. Don't believe me? Let's take a look, and before we really get into this, I just want to be clear that this is not directed at all of the larger ladies. Many of you don't carry this shit attitude. This is only directed at those who do.

Here is the simplest definition from Dictionary.com: 
vo·lup·tu·ous: sensuously pleasing or delightful
Okay, that's a nice term. Of course, there's nothing really sensuously pleasing or delightful about watching you plow through your third full sized bag of full sized Snickers bars.

TheFreeDictionary.com gives this definition pertaining to a woman:
provocative and sexually alluring, esp through shapeliness or fullness
Provocative and sexually alluring. That's an interesting statement. The rest talks about shapliness, which doesn't mean a circle, and it also talks about fullness, which has nothing to do with how you feel after a meal. I know you think I'm picking on you, and you're going to write some snotty poem about it and attribute it to someone else, but I'm trying to help you. Let's look at that interesting statement once again. Provocative and alluring. Any woman can be those things, but those of you complaining don't even try.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Knock It Off, Monday Night Football

I love your logic. I really do. After spending many years as the singer of the Monday Night Football theme song, Hank Williams Jr. was fired. You did this for political reasons, which is strange. Williams made negative comments about President Obama, and you dropped him. Honestly, what do you expect a redneck to do? Obama is not a Republican, and I guarantee that's the only requirement Williams needs to vote for you.

What you should do is clean house in the commentator's booth. I don't know why, but as long as I've been watching Football, the MNF booth has been filled with moron after moron, with the exceptions of Al Michaels, who continues to be brilliant alongside the equally talented Chris Collinsworth, and John Madden, who used MNF as his swan song. Beyond that, I've suffered through games to the point where I just stopped watching. Do you really need an explanation why? I guess I'll just make a list.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Knock It Off, Hallmark

It's a tough time for many people right now. Unemployment is up. Wages for new jobs are down. In a time like this, it's good to know you have friends. Do you know what friends do right now? They make you laugh. They buy you a beer. They let you crash at their place so you can float on rent for a bit. What they don't do is buy you a greeting card.

You recently decided that it would be a good idea to create a line of cards dedicated to people losing their jobs. "Hey, sucks that you got fired..." I would never want to open up an envelope from my mailbox to see that. Pity should not take the same form as a valentine or birthday card. Those things should be attached to happy thoughts. There's nothing Ziggy can say that would soften the blow of getting fired from my job.