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Thursday, December 29, 2011

Knock It Off, Time

What are you doing to me? I'm a day late here, and it's all your fault. You move too fast. I know I attacked one of your minions last week, but this is when I need to go for the big guns. You're messing with me constantly, and I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

I had Monday off this week because of Christmas, so yesterday seemed like Tuesday, even though it was that prick Wednesday. I lost track, and thus this post is a day late. Whose to blame here? Some would say my mind or my memory, but that's really you. You do this to me. Because of you, I age, and I become forgetful.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Knock It Off, Wednesday

Jesus, man. You do this to me every single week. You sneak up on me, and I completely forget what day you are. Wednesday again? Yep. I have work to do. Here I am, trying to sit and figure out who the hell to complain about this week, and you're staring at me, ticking away like a son of a bitch. You just don't stop. Then, a week later, you start this shit all over again. Well, I've had enough.

I'm dying thanks to my own schedule. It's true, I choose to do the work, and I chose what tasks happen on what days, and Wednesday is my day to find a douchebag, but do you really have to sneak up on me? Nothing happens on Wednesdays, so it's no surprise that you have the ability to do this. There's nothing special about you. You don't have a show that I watch. You don't have an event. Now that I work the same route every day, I might even forget that you exist.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Knock It Off, Jim Harbaugh and Tim Tebow

I love football. It's the only sport I watch religiously anymore. Baseball is boring, and basketball is full of whiny kids. I like hockey, but there are too many teams to follow and too many guys without vowels in their names. Soccer is for assholes, and I know I'm an asshole, but not that kind of asshole. It takes a special grade of stupid to enjoy dickheads in little shorts playing glorified kickball. I hold football up on a pedestal above the others, and you two douchebags are ruining it for me.

I will admit that you are both very different kinds of douchebags. One is a well-meaning douche who just can't help but blather on like a retard, and the other is a maniacal douche who needs a huge kick in the nuts. I'll let you guess which is which. No, fuck that. I'm going to break it down for you two nutbags, or you'll never figure it out.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Knock It Off, Herman Cain

Dude! What happened to you? What the hell happened to you? Just when I was starting to take your side, you left. I know it's been a few days, but I'm really starting to feel sad about you leaving the Presidential race. Let's be clear. I was never going to vote for you, but I enjoyed your antics. I'll be honest. I don't even know what the hell 999 is, but I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

Here's what's sad about your departure. You were the closest thing we had to getting a pimp in the White House. That's not a racial thing. I really think you were a fuzzy hat away from being President Don Magic Juan. Just look at all you accomplished. You were getting ass all over the place. How do I know? Because only the greedy ones complained. I'll guarantee there were many satisfied customers who got served a slice of Herman Cain.