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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Knock It Off, Jay-Z

Congratulations on having a kid. In fact, congratulations on being the first guy on the planet to ever have a kid. Oh, wait. You aren't the first? Well, shit. By the way you've been acting, it seems that you think you are the first dad on the planet. In fact, you seem to think you're the only dad on the planet, you inconsiderate fuck.

Some people might think that I should include your wife, Beyonce, in this post, but I disagree. I know I shouldn't dismiss her for this behavior, but it wouldn't surprise me to see this from a woman. Women are crazy, and pregnant women are the ninth circle of insane. If she shit up a playground slide while juggling dead hamsters, I wouldn't be that shocked. You, however, are a grown man. You really deserve a punch in the face for the way you're acting.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Knock It Off, Model/Actress

I see people doing weird things all the time. You might be the strangest of the bunch. It's funny, but most people don't run around proclaiming to have a job that they don't really have. You, however, live your life telling everyone that you are this thing that you really aren't. In fact, you tell them you're something that you really shouldn't tell them you are. I'm not talking to legitimate models or actresses, I'm talking to the wannabes.

I don't mind you having a dream. That's fine. Many of us have dreams. What I do mind is you spending more time trying to convince me and the rest of the world that you're living it than actually living it. Here's a great example. If you look at my Facebook profile, it has my name on it. It doesn't say "Kevin Moyers Mailman." That's not my name. Your profile, however, says "Shirley Shithead Actress." If you have to tell me you're an actress, you're probably not doing that great of a job.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Knock It Off, Kristy McNichol

First off, I'm happy for you, I think. Maybe this secret explains why you've had some odd behavior over the last few years. Face it, you left a hit sitcom for no understandable reason, and then you went to work the sales floor at Sears. Does that make any sense at all? Not to most. however, if you were hiding something this big about your life, I can understand how it would frazzle you to the point of insanity.

That being said, I think you're full of shit. Not about being gay, but about wanting to come out so that young women can see that it's okay. In case you had no idea, there isn't a living soul under thirty who knows who you are. You haven't been on television in over two decades. You vanished from the planet. My guess is that you really came out years ago, but nobody cared. Now you did it through a publicist so you could have something you've been missing for so long: attention.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Knock It Off, Shitty Neighbors

I haven't lived next to you idiots for too long, but it only took me about four seconds to know you were assholes. I'm a good judge of character, and I could have spotted you from an airplane flying thousands of feet overhead. I do blame the landlord for renting to you. That jackoff cares about money, not the building. That's how you fuckers end up next to me. Great.

You do some really dumb things. For some reason, you keep some of your kids' toys outside along the walkway. It's a place to walk, not a storage area. My favorite is the time you were spraying the makeshift sides of your pickup truck with black spray paint. You were protecting the paint job of your twenty-year-old banged up shit heap, but you failed to realize that it was one of the windiest days all year, and your paint will travel with the wind and get on other people's cars. Nice work, fucktard.